Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Good Night And Good Luck

Three months ago, I wasn’t sure if this day would ever come. I know that I talked a good game in the beginning. However there were times when the temptation was practically unbearable and the self-doubt, impossible to ignore.

But I did it. I have extricated myself from the patterns that got me to the place I started from. I am aware of what they are and I have the power to overcome them. Now I can decline a date when asked if I'm simply not interested. I have a far lower tolerance for things that I would ordinarily settle for. I’m not going to spend time with a guy “just because he (fill in the blank)” and, looking back, I can’t believe I ever did that.

I’ve come to accept that my motivations for sex were rarely about the other person, rather they stemmed from my own deep-seated issues that I avoided confronting for far too long. I was insecure and even hopeless about my seeming inability to find lasting happiness. I turned to men and sex to fill a hole (no pun intended) that just seemed to grow bigger with every meaningless encounter. As a result, I went for quantity over quality and the more dependent I became on that habit, the harder it got to quit. For all the wrong reasons, I put the “dick” in “addiction.” And now it’s time to stop the insanity.

In finally taking a step back to recognize this, I think I might have turned my life around. At the very least, I feel I’ve managed to stave off the impending mid-life crisis that these issues would have certainly fostered someday.

In all honesty, when I started this craziness, I wasn’t sure if I could keep up the celibacy, let alone the blog based upon it. To my surprise, and probably yours, I was able to do both. And I can honestly say that it’s changed me; I feel better about myself than I have in years.

Moreover, I’ve completely regained my confidence as a writer. The Ex took that away from me. He never wanted to hear or read what I was working on. In the rare event that I picked up the laptop anyways he’d tell me to put it down and watch TV with him instead. I can’t believe I allowed myself to become that person. Now, The Great Accommodator is gone. In her place is a confident person that’s had 6,169 (ha) people access her 76 posts over 11,000 times! I feel like I’m back to being me and I’m better than ever. I’ve even got a new outlook on life to keep me on track.

I have realized that relationships should be based on mutual admiration and respect, not a checked off laundry list of expectations one person has for the other’s appearance or habits.

I have realized that, like my hero Carrie Bradshaw, I deserve my Mr. Big. Carrie eventually got him because she waited. She waited because he was the one she wanted all along. But no offense to Carrie, I think I can get mine before I turn 40. At least I’m going to try. And you know what? Even if I never find him, I’ll be okay on my own. I am learning that it’s possible to complete myself.

I have realized that, in the future, I should treat my vagina as if it were a private invitation-only concert rather than a free show at the Taste of Chicago. I should feel like the hottest ticket in town. My body will no longer play Free Bird on command...gentlemen, kindly put your lighters down. There will be no more Allie B. encores tonight.

And so, as a result of all of this self-realization and self-actualization, I’ll be taking my sexuality off the Internet for a while. It’s been an amazing journey and I can’t thank you enough for going through it with me. But now it’s time to reclaim my personal life. I’ve still got a lot to learn - this has been a good start. Perhaps someday you’ll see more of it on a bookshelf near you.

Now allow me, if you will, to turn this into an Oscar acceptance speech for a moment. Hey, it’s my blog, damnit, and there are people that helped me get to the finish line that I really want to recognize. So a special shout out to everyone that made this experience what it was, for better or for worse. That means guys like Hot Dude and Mind Fucker and even Poor Bastard, in a way…but it really means girls like RK, JK, JH, CK, AT and EC; the inner circle that I couldn’t live without. I want to thank Katie, Janelle, My colorist Kelly, BD and ZW for all of the comments and MC for the inspiration. I should probably thank TO for something. Or, rather, for nothing. We’ll leave it at that. Finally, my eternal gratitude goes to Wise One for the guidance, Renegade Millionaire for being my suicide hotline, JL for the graphics and, of course, even my dear old Mom and Dad. Oh yeah, and like, The Academy, or something.

What happens next? That’s an excellent question. To be perfectly honest, I have no fucking clue. I’m not getting laid tonight. Or tomorrow night, either. That's all I know for sure. I’ve come a long way to get where I am, but I’m not where I want to be just yet. In a way, that’s how it should be. Life wouldn’t be worth living if there were only one finish line to cross. Now I’m ready for my next marathon, whatever that might be.

By the way, I’ve heard that if you stay celibate long enough you become a “Born Again Virgin,” psychologically speaking. Of course, I know that my virginal days are long gone, and my hymen is ancient history. But it’s crazy to think that one could possibly reclaim their own sense of innocence just by changing their perspective and behavior. Actually, now that I think about it, due to The Celibacy Project, the faith it’s given me in myself, and the encouragement of those around me, perhaps that doesn’t seem like such a crazy idea anymore.

And so, for the last time…