Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - Take Two

Wow, what a weekend. And I do not mean that in a good way. On Friday night, I had dinner with Poor Bastard. We went to a restaurant that gets very crowded so our table couldn’t have been more than a foot away from the people next to us. Because of that, we weren't able to engage in any serious conversations and upon realizing this, I was relieved. Then last night, while I was with my best friends RK and JK, PB sent me a text saying that he was out drinking with Criss Angel…as in the guy that can levitate, has fucked half of Hollywood, and wears more jewelry than any man (Freaker of Minds or otherwise) should be able to wear in public without being summarily shot.

Now without getting into the reasons why PB was with Criss Angel (long story short: he knows people) let’s just say I was certain that he was going to use the opportunity to garner something I would find interesting: Britney Dirt. As I’ve alluded to here I am COMPLETELY infatuated with the tarnished pop star and it’s no secret that something went down between her and Angel just before her Titanic-esque VMA's performance last year which, true story, I threw up immediately after watching. Whether it was nerves or food poisoning, I’m still not entirely sure, but my friends all bore witness to me pacing the floor like an overbearing stage mom in the moments leading up to her disastrous (and perhaps vomit-inducing) “comeback” performance. Oh Brit, why must you test my love? It’s getting awfully lonely out here on this limb by myself.

So anyways…because Poor Bastard knows how much I adore Britney, there was no doubt in my mind that he was going to ask Angel for some stories he could repeat to me later. I was also sure these weren’t about to be sent to me via text last night. Oh no, those would necessitate at least a phone conversation or perhaps even several. PB knew I would hang on his every word of behind-the-scenes gossip. As I was explaining this to my girlfriends, RK caught on quickly. “He’s just doing this to have something to talk to you about,” she said. And, of course, she was correct. But when she followed that by asking “How much longer can you keep this up?” I realized it was time to put an end to these shenanigans.

So this morning, I sent him an e-mail:

Dear PB –

We have been broken up since the beginning of April but this isn’t the break that I initially wanted or needed. While I truly appreciate your friendship and everything you’ve done for me both when we were together and when we were not, I cannot do this anymore. On Friday night, I could see in your eyes that you want more than I will ever be able to give you. And though I know you don’t like to hear it, the sad truth of the matter is we are never going to be a couple again. I’m sorry.

Moving forward, I think it’s best that we simply don’t contact one another for a while. I know this will be difficult for us, we’ve grown very used to relying on each other for emotional support and even entertainment throughout the day. I cannot say that I will not miss your silly texts that always made me smile. But if I’m going to be totally honest with myself, and you, those texts are the last thing I need right now. I’m trying to be on my own, without any semblance of a boyfriend or a relationship. At the moment, you’re basically a boyfriend to me, but without any of the fringe physical benefits, and that’s certainly not fair to you. I think I need to be out of your life in order for you to move on. So again, while I cannot thank you enough for all of the strength and stability you’ve provided in my life, now I need to do this on my own. I will always care about you. Just not in the way you would like me to. And like I said, for that I am very, very sorry.

– Allie

The truth is, my relationship with Poor Bastard was sort of (okay, not sort of, IT WAS) a rebound from the situation I was in before. That one didn’t end well. But I knew PB wasn’t going to hurt me like the guy before him did so I allowed myself to get caught up in a relationship that I didn’t really want to be a part of. Then, when I broke up with him and declared celibacy, he became a band-aid on my singleness. I’m simply not used to not having a guy to turn to, lean on, or flirt with (though, to be fair, I’ve really tried to avoid going down that route with him since we broke up) and PB seemed more than happy to fulfill those roles even without the “boyfriend” status. He just wanted to be a part of my life. So I let him, even though I was doing us both more harm than good. It’s like the break-up never really took. And now it has to.

Thus I finally took care of business and now we enter a new phase of The Celibacy Project: actual, honest-to-God, no-boyfriend, nobody-sending-me-flowers, no-one-to-call-before-I-go-to-bed, it’s now-or-never loneliness. And I think I’m finally ready for it. It’s not going to be easy, but very little about this unique time in my life ever is.

So I finally ripped off the band-aid. I’m actually nervous, but I know I’ll be okay and that in the long run I’m better off without him (just as he’s better off without me.) If there’s one thing Britney’s taught me about, it’s the ability to survive whatever life throws at you by summoning one’s own strength, courage and sanity and surrounding yourself with good people devoid of ulterior motives.

And if there’s two things she’s taught me about, it’s that we shall overcome, and that I should seriously lay off the Cheetos.

xo