Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hey Allie, How's The Celibacy?

I get that question a lot. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of what I’m doing whether they read the blog or not. And though my answers vary depending on my mood, no matter what I say it generally includes these three words: lonely, bored and horny. Let’s address each of these emotions separately:

1. Lonely
I am an only child. I spend at least three out of my five weekdays in an office entirely by myself. It’s not like I’m not used to being on my own. But now without a steady stream of dates to fill up my week, or a boyfriend to hang out with every night, I’ve become my own best friend. And that’s fine, I think I’m pretty cool…but I never knew it was possible to actually be sick of yourself. I mean, seriously. Have you ever allowed yourself to get lost in your own thoughts for 24 hours straight? Some pretty weird shit comes out. For instance, I have only recently realized that I really, really don’t like people who jog on the sidewalk. I have no actual justification for this, they just annoy the crap out of me. Do you really have to rub it in that I decided to sleep an extra hour instead of going to the gym this morning, dude? Furthermore, do I really have to stare at the outline of your bouncing nutsack so that you can feel more aerodynamic in bike shorts? Since I no longer spend my seven block walk to work texting Poor Bastard, I find myself cursing out total strangers for no other reason than they’re healthier than me. So I guess I’m becoming a lonely, bitter bitch. Awesome. Is it July yet?

2. Bored
I have something terribly embarrassing to admit. And this is coming from the girl who divulges the secrets of her raunchy past on a daily basis. Ready? Here goes…
I went to bed at 8:30pm last night.
What the Hell has happened to me?
Okay, to be fair, I did meet my friend MC for happy hour yesterday, where I had two glasses of wine and great conversation. But then I went home. There was nothing good on TV or even on TiVo. I had already read my daily allotment of “The Game,” and because that book is slowly eating my soul I can’t bring myself to get through any more of it than I have to. I didn’t even feel like writing, for once. So I took a Tylenol PM and went to sleep. At eight freaking thirty. It’s like I’m a shell of the Allie I once was…but at least I have the bed to myself and I woke up feeling refreshed. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

3. Horny
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I LOVE SEX. And I haven’t enjoyed that activity in almost sixty freaking days. Yeah, I know, cue the violins and get a telethon going. I’m not going to receive a lot of sympathy here. But that used to be my “thing,” and now my “thing” is going to bed alone at 8:30. The fact that I can still masturbate is my one saving grace at this point…but there are only so many times you can sit on your hand until it goes numb and then diddle yourself before the novelty wears off. And here’s the truly messed up part: it’s not just the penetration, or even the foreplay, that I miss. What I miss most is the human contact of any kind, even just cuddling and kissing. Honestly, I have gone through phases of my life when I was vehemently anti-cuddling (mostly back in the day when I used to think I could fuck like a man) but right now, I would kill for a good spooning. I can masturbate all day long, but I cannot spoon myself. It’s physically impossible. I think all scientists should just quit with the whole “curing cancer” bit and focus on that for a while. This is a pressing need that’s not getting nearly enough national attention, people. Fuck AIDS, I’m starting a new crusade. Let’s work on curing boredom, loneliness, and horniness. Or I could just suck it up and wait 35 more days. I mean, I guess ten hours of sleep every night won’t kill me and nobody’s ever actually died of boredom.

Not yet, at least.

xo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"I mean, seriously. Have you ever allowed yourself to get lost in your own thoughts for 24 hours straight?"

Uh, that's what TV is meant to avoid. Also, there is always something to watch!