Tuesday, May 27, 2008

To Blog Or Not To Blog

Do you remember the post in which I ruminated on what would happen when I met a boy I liked and the blog came up? Well on Sunday night, that happened. Now I’m forced to navigate a fucked up situation: writing about a guy with potential when I’m 99% certain he’s going to read it. We’ll ignore, for the moment, the fact that he’s about to find out more about my sexual history then The Ex did during our entire three-year relationship, because if he’s disgusted, then this discussion becomes a moot point. So let’s go with the theory that he’s gotten through the past posts, he’s decided to follow along, and now he’s going to read one about himself.

Of course.....I could just opt not to say anything about him at all, but then I would find myself torn. You see, my mother calls the blog “theatre,” but I don’t like that assessment. Sure, some days, I’ll start writing and while I’m doing that something will happen that challenges my celibacy but does not fit the post, so I leave it out. Sometimes I have a specific point I’m trying to make, and so I’d rather stick to the script and see it through. Besides, I almost always get around to writing about what actually happened sooner or later.

But I really try not to make this theatre, because that doesn’t serve anyone’s purposes. Not yours, because you’re in it to hear the whole truth and certainly not mine, because in allowing myself to not tell the whole truth I’m also denying myself the chance to work through it. And if I’m not doing that, then this becomes “an exercise in futility,” which is what Mind Fucker called it when I didn’t initially write about what really happened that night with New Guy.

So I decided to write the truth about this dude, knowing full well he’s going to read it. Because at the end of the day, this is a three-month soul-searching project that exists mostly for my own benefit, and if guys can't take that, perhaps I’m not meant to meet anyone right now. To be honest, every day I seem to learn something new about myself so I’m finding it difficult to pin down just who Allie is. How in the world could I get to know someone and figure out if we’re compatible when I’m not entirely sure about myself at the moment?

Okay, enough of the mental masturbation (that’s like what Mind Fucker does to me, only I’m doing it to myself.) So I went to a Housewarming/Memorial Day/Excuse-to-make-gooey-blender-drinks Party on Sunday. I work with the host and her ex-boyfriend showed up (they’re still friends - it’s a complicated story that would require its own post, if not its own blog) and he brought along a cute, smart, and witty friend that we’re going to call Hot Doctor. I’ve never dated a doctor before. My friend JH does almost exclusively. But somehow I’ve never met one despite the fact I find the whole “life-saving” thing rather sexy. Hot Doctor and I hit it off and we spent a good portion of the party talking. My celibacy, and my writing about it, had already come up so as we “flirted” he was aware that I used to have a lot of sex. And that I had since stopped having sex. That didn’t seem to discourage him, which I suppose (at first) was a good sign. However, as we kept talking, I started to go through the history of the blog in my mind, wondering how he was going to react to "The Ten And A Half Commandments," "My Sugar Daddy Phase," or, especially, “The List.”

But as I was inwardly groaning about that, he said something that made me feel like perhaps none of this mattered.

At one point he tried a tactic I hadn’t heard yet: he challenged my writing prowess by saying a truly talented author could just hook up with him and still write an entertaining, but fictional, account of sticking with the celibacy.

I give him 9 out of 10 points for originality on that one. But that’s when I decided the following: Sure he hadn’t read my blog yet. But if and when he does, and he thinks it’s a well-written joke, then that’s a deal-breaker. I can’t say I’m sure what’s going to happen when I’m out of the blogosphere and into the dating pool again but I know this time in my life will inevitably come up in conversation. More likely than not the next dude I end up with will have to read it eventually. And if he can read it without being disgusted, well then that’s half the battle. But it’s only half. I also need him to respect why I did this and what it means about me as a person. When this is all over with, I will never, ever sleep with somebody who has the nerve to call this blog “silly” (are you listening, MF?) because no matter how funny it may be at times, soul-searching is something I take seriously. It would be disrespectful to myself to go back to sleeping with guys who don’t respect me. And if you’re going to respect me, then you’re going to respect The Celibacy Project.

Hey, I think I feel a new Ten And A Half Commandments coming on….

So I suppose I’m putting quite a challenge to the Hot Doctor now. First he has to read the blog in its entirety and not hate it (or me for writing it.) Then he needs to realize that what he said about me hooking up with him and just lying about in the blog was wrong and antithetical to what I’m trying to accomplish. Then he has to show he respects my end goal and let me finish The Celibacy Project in peace. Yeah, that’s a pretty tall order.

I guess that’s why I said I’m not ready to meet anyone at the moment. It’s just not fair to get to know a guy I could date until I’ve seen this thing through.

I am right in the middle of a life-changing experience. When it’s all over, I think I’m going to have a much better sense of who I am and what I want (even if it turns out I just want to keep boning casually, at least I’ll know that I tried something different.) Whoever that person turns out to be, I feel that I’m really going to like her. But until that happens, I can’t put anyone else in a position where they could like me until I do first.

xo

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great post today. This blog is so compelling because it is about discovery and change, and those who ridicule it or think it's "silly" are the ones who are so unaware of themselves, they wouldn't know how to begin to respect this project, let alone YOU. You'd be surprised how closed some minds are.

You mentioned reading the blog, not thinking it's totally gross, and allowing you to continue on your journey as a tall order--not for the right kind of person. It seems unfortunate that you may have not been able to really know someone like this (the evidence points to that conclusion). But as you change too, maybe it will become more clear who these people are.

And I love what you said about putting yourself first. What I have to offer today (it may not be much, but it's something) exists because I choose to do things that are "nutritional." And I don't mean eating salad. I guess you could say, ::corny:: I'm trying to feed my soul.

Anyway, you know I love you.

P.S. Please don't talk to Mind Fucker anymore. Let him go chase a hussy that he mistook you for. Because that's obviously what he wants.

Anonymous said...

Let me just boil all this down to, again, the self-evident truth that I'm glad you're finally coming to realize.

1. After this Celibacy Project, you want to date someone who can read this blog and not be disgusted, offended, freaked out or abnormally turned on. In other words, 'someone who will accept me.'

2. After this Celibacy Project, you also want to date someone who can understand why you wrote this, understand that it's an expression of you, and therefore take it seriously; to take the blog seriously is, after all, to take you seriously. In other words, 'someone who will accept me.'

In other, other words, you want to date someone who will accept you. Now, if this blog is what it takes to bring you around to that conclusion, fine, but I'd recommend you work on the 'me' part and defining that more clearly. Plenty of guys out there are able to do the accepting part. We just often don't get a clear read of what we're trying to accept.

Sorry about the flurry of posts and in no particular order. I just discovered your blog and am getting up to speed.