Monday, May 12, 2008

One Good Turn Deserves Another

Yesterday, I received a text from a girl I’ve been friends with for quite awhile. It read: “R U crazy?? Just read your blog about The Rules. You’ve been using them 4ever and now you’ve admitted that to every guy you’ve ever used them on. What R U thinking??”

She brings up a good point. I know that some of the boys who read this blog have been victims of my addiction to “The Rules.” In fact, since first reading them in 2001, I’ve been one of their biggest proponents. When girls I know are having problems with the boys they like that seem to stem from their own inability to hold back, my first suggestion is that they go out and buy themselves a copy. I should’ve asked the book's authors about a profit-sharing plan or, at the very least, a PR fee, a long time ago. In fact, I’ve literally bought at least ten copies of them just to give to friends that I thought should use them. So yes, in a way, I suppose it’s a little strange that I finally went on record and copped to employing them.

However…the reason I did that is because I really don’t believe in them anymore. I’ve been using them for seven years and guess what? I’m still single. I’ve been told the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. So that’s why I’m now practicing the ancient art of celibacy and attempting to look at sex and relationships in an entirely new way.

But still, my friend is right, I did sell myself out a bit. I also sold out every girl to whom I’ve ever extolled the virtues of “The Rules.” So today, I’ve going to make amends for that by telling you ladies about something that boys do.

The following was explained to me in the strictest of confidence by a guy that I dated who is a consummate Alpha Male. While I’m not saying every guy does this (just as not every girl uses “The Rules” or even their own versions like the “AB/CK Rules”) I am sure he’s neither the first nor the last guy to exercise these tactics. By the way, he made me promise never to tell anyone where I heard this for fear that he’d have his Man Card revoked if other guys found out. But since that dude then broke my heart, and I wouldn’t care if he got his manhood, much less his Man Card, removed, I have no problem passing on the information. Plus, it’s actually pretty funny. So here it is:

When girls are out in a group, and there’s alcohol involved, certain archetypes inevitably emerge. When a group of guys wants to approach this group, they need to determine which girls are playing which parts and then divide and conquer. First, they must identify who embodies the role of “The Mother Hen.” She’s the one who is the most responsible, and often the least inebriated, so therefore accountable for keeping the flock together. Sometimes, she’s also the least likely to hook up anyways, so one of the boys (aka: The Wingman) must “take one for the team,” by distracting her with entertaining conversation, and perhaps more alcohol. On the other end of the spectrum, we have the “The Wounded Duck.” She’s the one that looks like one more shot will put her over the edge. Other common traits of TWD include eyes that can’t seem to focus and consistent use of the phrase “Oh my God, I am soooo drunk.” A lot of times, the guy who manned up and took out TMH last time will have first dibs on her this time around.

The rest of the chicks fall somewhere in between, but are all considerably easier to apprehend once TMH is properly occupied by TWM. So the guys will literally have a conversation in which they devise a battle plan and determine their points of attack. If all goes well and they all do what they’re supposed to, everyone ends up getting laid. Mission accomplished.

Crazy, right? I thought so, too. But when he told me this I thought back to some of our Girls’ Nights Out and realized this actually might have occurred. I think it goes without saying that I’ve never been The Mother Hen type, but I have certainly spent my fair share of evenings playing the part of The Wounded Duck. And in the future, now that I know that makes me easy pickings to a group of predatory dudes, I’ll certainly be more careful in an effort to keep my celibacy in tact.

So that, my dear girlfriend, was for you and all the other gals that read this blog. While it’s highly situational and doesn’t necessarily have the millions of believers that made “The Rules” a bestseller, it certainly gives you something to think about.

xo

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. That story your "friend" relayed to you is incredibly scary, and kind of awful. Sounds like a set up for systematic rape. Ick. Just another reason to not be involved in the game, eh?

Sorry I haven't commented for a couple of days--I've been busy traveling. Love you though!

Anonymous said...

For the Ladies-

Ok- if you want real insight into shady guy pickup dynamics- Read: Neil Strauss "the game"- Or the mystery method or go to one of the slease-ball sites like fastseduction.com - Highlights a lot of "strategies" you girls all too often fall for- Sorry male readers, but secret techniques are for the weak.