And now, without further adieu, I present to you:
30 Things I Have Learned In The Last 30 Days
1. This could be one of the craziest things I’ve ever done but it’s also one of the most normal things a person can do. A lot of guys I know find this whole thing a bit funny because they’ve all had to go three months without sex. Just not by choice.
2. Ex-boyfriends are necessary evils, like death and taxes. All necessary evils should be avoided except when they’re unavoidable…or when they’re the only person that can buy you dinner who you know you won’t want to sleep with afterwards.
3. Kissing a boy is not completely antithetical to celibacy…but it’s also a gateway drug and I should just say no.
4. In the words of Woody Allen, “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.”
5. Poor Bastard can never, ever find out about this blog.
6. Most of the people in my life have always known that I’m willing to be open and honest about my sexual nature. A lot of them just didn’t think I was going to be this open and honest. I heart you, Mommy. And Daddy. And Grandma.
7. The Celibacy Project is a marathon, not a sprint. Like my friend AK says, once I get past the hump, it should get easier. There are so many jokes to be made here about “humps” and “humping” that I’m not even going to bother, you can just come up with your own.
8. One of the reasons guys keep coming onto me lately is because I’m starting to value myself more and that confidence shines through, perhaps making me more attractive.
9. The second reason guys keep coming onto me lately is because they only want to take my celibacy away from me. Bastards.
10. The third reason guys keep coming onto me lately – especially the hot ones – is because God hates me.
11. Bad Reality TV might actually be better than bad sex.
12. Not spending time with guys means spending a lot more time with girls. And good women derive strength from other good women. I am blessed to have such amazing women in my life.
13. I might have been/still am a sex addict.
14. I will not date any more douchebags because in a relationship, douchiness just begets more douchiness (for more on that, Google: “Heidi and Spencer.”)
15. The guy that works at the Dominos by my apartment is the new man in my life.
16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked (thank you, Mind Fucker.)
17. Saying something like bj’s comes off as less offensive when you rhyme it with something like pj’s. Then it’s almost cutesy.
18. It’s a lot easier to see the flaws in a relationship after the fact…and the only way to atone for them at that point is to avoid making the same mistakes again.
19. My boy JL is a graphics genius and totally deserves a shout-out for all of his help. I don’t know shit about Photoshop.
20. Nuns have it a little bit easier than me because they don’t know what they’re missing.
21. There’s something to be said for being single and it definitely has something – not everything, but something – to do with being able to sleep diagonally in my bed.
22. One of the most disrespectful things I can do to a guy is let him think that we’re meant to be together when there’s no way in hell we actually are.
23. This is also one of the most disrespectful things I can do to myself.
24. Love rules. Settling drools.
25. Energizer batteries really do keep going and going.
26. If I throw myself a party on day 92 to celebrate, I might have to have it in solitary confinement with a muzzle on like Hannibal Lector so I don’t tear the first guy I see to pieces.
27. It is possible for two people that got divorced after thirty years, and their daughter who was around for the majority of them, to sit down and have a nice, civil evening together and even laugh like they used to be able to. Because at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water and it can also be the tie that binds. There will always be love there, you just have to give it a chance to shine through.
28. People actually want to read about this shit. Who knew?
29. I can go thirty days without sex and still feel good about myself. In fact, I can feel even better than I do when I am hopping in and out of beds all the time. Minus the actual orgasms. Mmmmmmmmm. Orgasms.
30 Things I Have Learned In The Last 30 Days
1. This could be one of the craziest things I’ve ever done but it’s also one of the most normal things a person can do. A lot of guys I know find this whole thing a bit funny because they’ve all had to go three months without sex. Just not by choice.
2. Ex-boyfriends are necessary evils, like death and taxes. All necessary evils should be avoided except when they’re unavoidable…or when they’re the only person that can buy you dinner who you know you won’t want to sleep with afterwards.
3. Kissing a boy is not completely antithetical to celibacy…but it’s also a gateway drug and I should just say no.
4. In the words of Woody Allen, “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.”
5. Poor Bastard can never, ever find out about this blog.
6. Most of the people in my life have always known that I’m willing to be open and honest about my sexual nature. A lot of them just didn’t think I was going to be this open and honest. I heart you, Mommy. And Daddy. And Grandma.
7. The Celibacy Project is a marathon, not a sprint. Like my friend AK says, once I get past the hump, it should get easier. There are so many jokes to be made here about “humps” and “humping” that I’m not even going to bother, you can just come up with your own.
8. One of the reasons guys keep coming onto me lately is because I’m starting to value myself more and that confidence shines through, perhaps making me more attractive.
9. The second reason guys keep coming onto me lately is because they only want to take my celibacy away from me. Bastards.
10. The third reason guys keep coming onto me lately – especially the hot ones – is because God hates me.
11. Bad Reality TV might actually be better than bad sex.
12. Not spending time with guys means spending a lot more time with girls. And good women derive strength from other good women. I am blessed to have such amazing women in my life.
13. I might have been/still am a sex addict.
14. I will not date any more douchebags because in a relationship, douchiness just begets more douchiness (for more on that, Google: “Heidi and Spencer.”)
15. The guy that works at the Dominos by my apartment is the new man in my life.
16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked (thank you, Mind Fucker.)
17. Saying something like bj’s comes off as less offensive when you rhyme it with something like pj’s. Then it’s almost cutesy.
18. It’s a lot easier to see the flaws in a relationship after the fact…and the only way to atone for them at that point is to avoid making the same mistakes again.
19. My boy JL is a graphics genius and totally deserves a shout-out for all of his help. I don’t know shit about Photoshop.
20. Nuns have it a little bit easier than me because they don’t know what they’re missing.
21. There’s something to be said for being single and it definitely has something – not everything, but something – to do with being able to sleep diagonally in my bed.
22. One of the most disrespectful things I can do to a guy is let him think that we’re meant to be together when there’s no way in hell we actually are.
23. This is also one of the most disrespectful things I can do to myself.
24. Love rules. Settling drools.
25. Energizer batteries really do keep going and going.
26. If I throw myself a party on day 92 to celebrate, I might have to have it in solitary confinement with a muzzle on like Hannibal Lector so I don’t tear the first guy I see to pieces.
27. It is possible for two people that got divorced after thirty years, and their daughter who was around for the majority of them, to sit down and have a nice, civil evening together and even laugh like they used to be able to. Because at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water and it can also be the tie that binds. There will always be love there, you just have to give it a chance to shine through.
28. People actually want to read about this shit. Who knew?
29. I can go thirty days without sex and still feel good about myself. In fact, I can feel even better than I do when I am hopping in and out of beds all the time. Minus the actual orgasms. Mmmmmmmmm. Orgasms.
30. Sex or no sex, Celibacy Project or personal enlightenment, addiction or recreation, I can be one horny little girl. But I know now that I can control that if I really, really want to…for at least thirty days. Go Team Allie.
xo
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