The Ten And A Half Commandments

I dated a guy for about three years up until last June. Let’s call him The Ex. He wasn’t particularly interesting, particularly good looking, or particularly anything worth writing home about, but he was available, he was socially acceptable, and he embodied my hopes of someday possessing two carats and a three-car garage on the North Shore.

Yes, I realize how awful that sounds. That’s another reason that I’m doing this whole “celibate” thing. The last ten years of my life have been a constant cycle of catch-and-release relationships that consisted of me finding something, convincing myself that I wanted it, then eventually losing interest and moving on. I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s unfair to all parties involved and it’s emotionally exhausting.

So today I decided to make a list of the things I must have in a relationship in order to be truly happy. These are my new non-negotiables, and I refuse to settle for anyone that can’t adhere to any less than eight of them. The last one, however, is a total deal-breaker, no matter how great the guy is. So now, submitted for your entertainment, I present Allie’s Ten And A Half Commandments:

1. Thou shalt be funny and think I’m funny.
The Ex didn’t think I was funny. Sure, I know plenty of people that are funnier than me. In fact I even like to date people that are funnier than me. But if you can honestly tell me you don’t think I have a good sense of humor, then no offense dude, but fuck you.

2. Thou shalt have a passion in life….besides me.
I have definitely dated guys that were ALL about me and these enjoyable (but self-serving) relationships tend to build up my self-esteem to unnecessary levels. However the problem with being somebody’s source of happiness is that means the person doesn’t know how to be happy without you. I don’t care if it’s golf, NASCAR or Magic: The Gathering, but a guy’s gotta have something else going on in his life that gives him some pleasure. I’ll take care of the rest.

3. Thou shalt not be dumb.
There are book smarts and there are street smarts. I think I’m pretty book smart but I can be quite street dumb. I would like a guy that I can discuss literature and politics with but I really need a guy that remembers to check for oncoming traffic when we’re walking somewhere, because honestly, sometimes I forget.

4. Thou shalt think I’m beautiful.
I don’t care if he thinks Vanessa Marcil is hotter than me. Hell, I do too. But the guy I want to be with needs to think I’m beautiful, both when I’m cleaned up nice, and also when I wake up. I am willing to accept that the latter might require him not having his contacts in yet.

5. Thou shalt have good taste in music, movies, or television.
And he must be willing to accept that I have none of the above. I think Britney Spears is the second coming and I know that’s ridiculous. So it would be nice to have somebody around that actually knows what quality entertainment is.

6. Thou shalt not be skinnier than me.
Okay, seriously, that is SO not cool.

7. Thou shalt have the patience to explain sports to me and the understanding not to force me to watch every single game.
I enjoy going to live sporting events, mostly for the socializing and the beer. But I do not, and I will not, ever understand why it’s necessary to watch 162 baseball games on television when none of them really start to matter until September.

8. Thou shalt not be up your mother’s ass.
The Ex called his mom no less than three times a day. She was a lovely person, and we got along quite well, but I need a guy who doesn’t already have a woman in his life. Furthermore, calling your mother in the middle of an argument so that she can settle it for us is simply not acceptable and will never (again) be tolerated.

9. Thou shalt not be a fighter.
Now this one is a bit of a fine line. I like a guy that has the balls to stand up for me or who would even physically defend me if we came across some ruffians in a dark alley late at night. But I cannot handle a man that wants to beat up every guy that looks in my direction. Dude, they don’t all want to fuck your girlfriend, and even the ones that do, don’t get to. So get over it.

10. Thou shalt not always let me have my way.
Relationships are about compromise. Sure, I would like to have all the things on this list. These are the “must-haves” and quite frankly, I think I deserve them – or at least eight of them. But there is also a list of “would-likes” that isn’t worth mentioning because it simply isn’t realistic to think that one person will possess every single quality I would like. I want a guy with a personality that compliments my own, but I do not want a guy that is a doormat. Challenge me. Pick your battles and then fight with me. If it’s important to you, make me understand that. Do not let me always have my way. My parents did that and now they have a daughter with a sex blog. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

10.5. Thou shalt not have a cat.
I just don’t get "cat guys." Plus, I'm allergic. I don't care if yours "acts like a dog." It's not a dog, it's a cat, and it makes me sneeze.

So there you have it. Those who feel they can meet or exceed these standards are more than welcome to send a resume, head shot, IQ test, stool sample and no less than five letters of recommendation to the Allie Needs A Guy That Doesn’t Suck At Life Committee for review. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

xo