Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Weezer Rule Redux

I have a friend, we’ll call him Mind Fucker, who I’ve enlisted to read this blog for the sole purpose of keeping me in check. Since he’s one of the few people I’ve met that can instantly cut through my bullshit, I highly value his opinions and take whatever he says to heart.

Yesterday, after reading my post, he started a lively discussion about what I had written. He called into question whether or not I really wanted guys to stop looking at me sexually. He claims that a woman’s need to be appraised like this makes up the fabric of male/female interaction. To this end, I actually agree with him. I know the true battle of the sexes is largely fought in the bedroom and the difference between most men and women is the former constantly thinks about sex, the latter, not so much. My mother once told me that if women enjoyed sex as much as men do, there would be no such thing as modern civilization. Books wouldn’t get written and skyscrapers wouldn’t be built because we’d all still be humping in caves. However if men didn’t desire sex so often, we’d probably also cease to reproduce and populate the world. Given the amount of stupid people born every day, this could be a good thing. But I digress. The point is that women need men to sexualize them for the good of humanity and I’m not the first girl to find confidence in this fact.

Do I enjoy it when men look at me? Hell yes I do. If I’m going to spend an hour and a half getting ready on a Friday night then you bet your sweet ass it makes me happy when guys check me out. Although the arduous preparation process makes me feel as if I’ve done my best, it’s the visible once-over and the look of approval from a guy that confirms I’ve done a good job. I like that. But what happens when I start to like that too much? What happens when I start to live for that and find myself chasing that feeling? I’ll tell you what happens. I decide to become celibate for three months so I don’t self-destruct as the result of a constant need for male attention. Though I’ve tried not to acknowledge this at times, I’m now ready to admit that I have depended WAY too much on guys for this reason. Those who regard me as a confident person should know that I mostly have a variety of suitors – and strangers – to thank for that.

So The Weezer Rule is a double-edged sword. If guys look at me, and that gives me confidence, then that’s a good thing. But if I start to feel overly confident because of this, then that’s bad. So I guess I’m perpetually ambivalent towards it. Mind Fucker put it this way: “don’t enjoy the effects this confidence affords you then question the manner in which it is derived.” Well played, MF. Well played indeed.

The point I was trying to make yesterday is that The Weezer Rule exists and to be aware of it as celibate is a paradox that I’m trying to navigate the best I can. As someone who has had more than her fair share of dalliances with men (which is the most PC way to refer to myself as a slut that I’ve ever employed) I know how easy it is to let this play on one’s sense of self. I’m trying to make that stop. Am I lucky that I’m in a good place to do that because of what’s already been done for my confidence level in this manner? Absolutely. But since The Celibacy Project is forcing me to abstain from the male attention that I have always craved, it’s time to cease supplementing the way I feel about myself with the hollow victory that comes from being deemed fuckable.

Perhaps that I can write, that I’m good at my day job, that I’m a great friend and (for the most part) daughter should be taken into account. In fact, I think I’m going to focus on those things for a little while and see if they can make me feel complete. MF called this a noble aspiration. I call it the opposite of what I’ve always done.

As always, Mind Fucker, you’ve excelled at your purpose. You took an idea I touched on and forced me to flesh it out until I understood my own feelings. Do I still want guys to look at me? Yes, I suppose I do. But I want to stop caring so damn much when they do and value the way I look at myself instead. And you know what? It feels incredibly good to realize that and admit it out loud.

I may not be able to have sex right now, but I’ll tell you one thing...

Mind Fucker gives great head games.

xo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I suppose this topic is something that you and I have varied opinions about. While I think it is really great to examine all the roles you play in your life (daughter, friend, colleague), and how you can derive your esteem from them, I think what Mind Fucker said about a woman's need to be appraised is actually contrary to how you want to be feeling about yourself. I honestly feel like putting oneself in a position to need to be approved all the time is incredibly tiring, and no one has proved it's a part of your DNA. Rather, it's the way our society as we know it has scripted our roles (man, woman, etc.)
Your statement, "The true battle of the sexes is largely fought in the bedroom" actually makes your actions of prettifying yourself and swinging your booty down the street to command attention seem as though you're waging your own battle on the inequality of attraction. If you believed that statement, nothing other than Allie as she is would have to be created to feel like she's getting what she needs. What would it really be like if you didn't need random men to approve of you constantly? Because that lie only exists if you still want it to.