Hello My Name Is Allie

Last week I mentioned that I was going to go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. Much to my mother’s dismay, and perhaps your surprise, I’m going to follow through with that.

Now I’m not saying that I am, without a doubt, addicted to the act of sex. But I’m not saying that I’m not addicted to it either. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

In deciding whether or not to go tonight, I did my homework (read: I googled “sex addiction”.) On all of the websites I looked at, the following questions kept coming up:

1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life? At times, yes, though I always end up telling the truth eventually.
2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose? Do beer goggles count? Fuck it, the answer is "yes" either way.
3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media? Lately, yeah. I’m kinda hard up.
4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems? Oh yes.
5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter? Who hasn’t?
6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual? This is definitely not my problem.
7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns that prompted you to leave the last relationship? I’m single again, aren’t I?
8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief? Yup. Pretty soon I’m going to need midgets and power tools to get off.
9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.? I’m glad I can answer “no” to this one.
10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development? What spiritual beliefs or development? Just kidding.
11. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence? Not so much. There but for the grace of God, go I.
12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal? I’d like to think I’m nipping that in the bud.

I can admit that I’ve made some less-than-ideal choices in my past. These include, but are not limited to, threesomes, foursomes, hot tub sex and Tucker Max. All of these aforementioned situations have involved alcohol, though I’m not trying to blame that. In fact, I’ve done just as much crazy stuff when not under the influence as I have when I’ve been sloshed. Perhaps the only influence I need to worry about is my own. I’ve let my id do a lot of my thinking. That means I cater to my immediate desires without giving consideration to their long-term repercussions.

As I’ve repeated again and again, I don’t regret the things I’ve done in my past. After ten years of sexual activity I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and have a lot of stories to tell. But these stories are all that I have to show for my experiences. Now I’d like to have something more tangible. I want a real relationship based on passion and mutual-respect. I may not be ready to have it yet, but I think that I'm getting there.

If The Celibacy Project is about learning to love myself, I need to come to grips with the fact that I haven’t done a lot of “love making.” I’ve had a lot of sex, of course, but I’ve had it in the absence of deeper feelings. So now I’m going to face what could be an addiction to the physical without an emotional attachment.

Fear not, my friends, I’ve heard these things can attract sexual predators so my friend BM offered to go with me. When I asked him why, he said “easy pickings.” I’m pretty sure he was kidding, but I’m happy to have the company either way.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to write about the meeting tomorrow. I want to respect the privacy of the people that utilize this forum to better themselves. I’m just hoping, God willing, that I will walk away with some surety that my enjoyment of casual sex won’t conflict with my ability to fall in love forever.

So here I go, trying something new (that doesn’t involve me being naked, for a nice change of pace.) By the way, if they make me tell my story tonight, I hope they have a few hours to kill and somebody brings popcorn.

xo