You Should Probably Buy Stock In Duracell

First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for the outpouring of support – and smart ass commentary – that I’ve received since I announced this earth-shattering decision.

I’d also like to briefly address two of the questions that seem to come up over and over again:

1. Yes, I can still masturbate. I’m trying to find clarity here, not breach my own sanity.

2. No, I do not have a waiting list for July 1st, but thank you for your interest.

And now for the third, more complicated, question: why am I doing this?

Well….

I’m doing this because I don’t want to look back at my twenties and have nothing to show for them but a couple well-deserved nicknames, some empty Plan B wrappers and a bad case of throat cancer:
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn11819-oral-sex-can-cause-throat-cancer.html

I’m doing this because it’s not just about not having sex. It’s also about not having a boyfriend. Since the age of seventeen I’ve been in 12 relationships. By “relationships” I mean “someone who has regularly seen me without makeup and who is not, to the best of my knowledge, sleeping with anyone else.” Number twelve ended two days ago. Now before I make it a Baker’s Dozen I need to figure out just what the hell I’m looking for and to do that with an open mind I need an empty vagina. I reason that if I’m not having casual sex, then I’m certainly not going to have any monogamous sex either, because what kind of fool would buy a cow without at least asking to see the milk first?

I’m doing this because for far too long I’ve allowed my physical relationships with men to determine a portion of my self-worth. Not my entire self-worth, mind you, because if that were the case I’d be a much different Allie and probably the type of girl that you don’t like very much because she doesn’t even seem to like herself. But I can admit that, to a point, I have let my self-esteem live and die not by whether or not a guy ever called me again, but rather by whether a guy ever booty called me again. And that’s just plain wrong.

So there you have it. That’s why I’m doing this.

By the way, day one – done and done. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a muffin to buff.

xo