Friday, April 25, 2008

I'll Try Anything Twice

Just for a moment, let’s go behind the scenes to the dark, seedy underworld of The Celibacy Project. This shit doesn’t just appear every day for your enjoyment. It takes introspection, concentration, and a buttload of caffeine to make it happen.

Usually, I write each day’s post the night before so I have the chance to “sleep on it.” That way I can reflect on what I’ve written and even make edits, if necessary, before posting it. This (ostensibly) keeps me from presenting random thoughts to the masses without having fully worked through them. It also prevents me from saying anything too outlandish about myself that I might regret at a later date. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a filter, it’s just not a very strong one, so quite a bit of questionable material gets through. Anyways…

Last night, I attended an SCA Meeting, which stands for Sexual Compulsives Anonymous. On the subject of such “meetings” one of my favorite authors, Molly Jong-Fast, once wrote:

“There’s no point in describing an AA meeting; it’s like a car accident or the Grand Canyon, always lost in translation.”

Now I finally know what she meant. When I got home last night, I had so much to write that I couldn’t write anything at all. To be honest, I’m still processing what I saw, heard and said out loud for the first time in my life. So today, we’re going to try something new. It’s called “stream-of-consciousness” writing. This means I’ll write whatever pops into my head and then I’m going to post it. I have no idea what will come of it, but it seems the most appropriate way to encapsulate this life moment. Sound like fun? Here goes:

Yesterday was an experience unlike any I’ve ever had, both encouraging and humbling in nature. I might even call it mind-blowing. There were eight men present; one of them showed up late because he stopped to have sex on his way to the meeting. He actually told us this. And when he did, my immediate thought was something along the lines of “well thank God I’m not that bad.” Then I quickly remembered my own glass house and put down my throwing stones.

I started to think about some of the irresponsible things I’ve done that reflect my own hypersexuality. Like the time I was waiting for a beer at Wrigley Field and I went home with the guy in line next to me, never to talk to him again. Or in college, when I was drunk and horny at an afterhours party and I looked directly at a guy and said these two words: “You’ll do.” Does this put me in the same category as Late Guy? Are they really symptoms of a disease we share? I don’t know. I wish I did, but I have no fucking clue yet. Sigh.

Right before I went to the meeting I had a talk with my best friend RK. She knows me better than most people do and knows much more about me than anybody should. Over the years, she’s seen it all in the three-ring-sex-circus that is my life. She thinks that my sex drive is partially derived from a need to be close to somebody, even if I’m actually only close to one part of their body. She believes it’s my desire for affection that drives me into the arms of strangers. She admits that I must enjoy the physical aspect, but not as much I live for the brief emotional one.

Another friend, ZW, subscribes to the same theory that I’ve embraced for the past ten years. It’s called “Pro Sex Feminism,” and it’s allowed me to do the things I do without remorse because I think in some way these choices empower me.

He said, “in remaining celibate for the purpose of deconstructing yourself to find your inner confidence without male approval are you just denying your own intrinsic nature that reaches for something positive? If for some reason one was more 'sexually charged' on a basic level wouldn't this just go to further their own genetic survival/personal gratification no matter how it manifested? Furthermore could it ever be considered a negative thing? Sex in my opinion is the one act of animals that actually leaves both parties with a positive result- whether that is enjoyment, creation or genetic survival.”

Clearly, sexuality – and especially my overt sexuality - is a divise topic. Everyone can find different justifications, or condemn unhealthy motiviations, for the things I have done. The men at the meeting were there because they think sex has gained such personal importance that it’s having an effect on everything else in their lives. Late Guy is the perfect example. Just to reiterate: the dude was late to a sex addict's meeting because he stopped on the way to have sex.

After hearing everyone else speak, it was my turn to talk. Though few things make me nervous, I was dry-mouthed and shaking. So I took a deep breath and started to tell my story, from the excessive head I gave in high shool to the all-night buffet of sexual partners I enjoyed in college. I wasn’t embarassed to say these things. While I spoke, I became more comfortable as I watched those listening nod their heads in agreement and support. By the time I was done I felt both relieved and rejuvenated, but I didn’t feel absolved. I think that’s going to take more time, if it happens at all, and that’s okay. I have the time, I just needed the desire. Now I finally have that, too.

According to my handy-dandy SCA Newcomer Packet, I should “take what I like” from the meeting and “leave the rest.” I left with a sense that there’s a lot more to my sexuality then I’ve ever allowed myself to acknowledge. And just as I admired the strength of those present for their ability to face the difficult truth head on, I was proud of myself for doing the same. So I walked away with that, too.

I’m still not convinced that I am a sex addict. I think the fact that I am undertaking this project should count for something. But I’ll probably go to another meeting, just to see how it makes me feel. Hell, it can't hurt. It might even help. And it's not like I have anything better to do on Thursday nights, anyways. In my sex life, I’ve always adhered to the idea that “I’ll try anything twice, and three times if I like it.”

I think I’m going to apply that same thought to my new, non-sexual life as well.
xo
ps-BM, thank you for going with me. I owe you an AA meeting.

1 comment:

katie. katherine. kitty. all of the above. said...

There are a lot of people that spend their lives in complete and utter ignorance of how they actually feel and how their actions affect themselves and other people. I commend you for trying to get to the bottom of you, for I really believe that when we are most ourselves, we have the ability to actually affect other people in an awesome way.

So, shit, good for you that you went to an SCA meeting. Whatever the results of your experiences there, you're collecting pieces of information that may be essential to who you want to be. And I'm not sure that anything is more valuable. Gosh, you're cool. =)