All Dressed Up And No Place To Go

Yesterday night I had my first celibatory bikini wax. Yes, I just made up the word “celibatory.” These are the things I do to amuse myself when I’m busy not having sex.

So I went for my monthly appointment at Kiva where my esthetician Magda actually laughed at the idea of The Celibacy Project. It’s pretty sad when a person who knows my ladybits better than I do is unsure if I can accomplish this feat. Then again, my conviction isn’t exactly good for business. I usually get a Brazilian Wax. Last night, I downgraded to the standard sideburn removal. Normally I embrace a “no pain, no gain” maxim but I’ve decided for the time being to replace that with “no point.”

That got me thinking about some of the other adjustments I’ve been consciously making to my repertoire lately. For instance, my pricey Victoria’s Secret Body Butter has been temporarily shelved in favor of some plain old Lubriderm. I figure that nobody’s getting close enough to my skin to appreciate the flowery goodness anyways and I can spend the money I’m saving on the drinks I now have to buy for myself. Damn I’m thrifty.

Also, and this one’s a no-brainer, all my sexy thongs have been removed from my lingerie drawer. Actually, now it’s just an underwear drawer. I bet my grandmother has an underwear drawer, too. So that’s where my life is at? Awesome.

Some rituals, however, are still very much in tact. For example when I’m single I can psych myself up for the gym by remembering that I never know when I’m gonna have to disrobe in front of someone who’s never before had that pleasure. That motivation has become a moot point for the time being but I still want to look good for Magda, lest I give her any other reasons to laugh at me.

And I’m continuing to keep up on my manicures, pedicures, haircuts and highlights because those things make me feel good about myself and that’s important right now. I’m just not concerned with the hair nobody sees for a little while. I may be a narcissist but I’m not a total masochist.

Oh calm down, gentlemen. I’ve already made an appointment to go back to the Full Monty once The Celibacy Project concludes on July 1st. Poor Magda should probably clear her schedule and perhaps call for backup that day. No pain, no gain, no tip, my dear.

xo