Let's Talk About Friday Night

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy Name, did not just lead me into temptation. He also gave me a map and a compass.

The night started out with two girlfriends, the best of intentions, and a bottle of wine at La Madia. We did what single girls like to do when they’re together; we made each other laugh and berated every happy couple in sight. That was inevitably followed by more drinks at the singles’ Mecca that is Rockit. And that’s where things quickly began to get interesting for Celibate Allie.

We met one of our guy friends, who brought along one of his guy friends, who happened to be one of the most attractive guys I have ever seen in my life. This is not just my horniness talking. This guy was prettier than me. To protect the innocent (not that there were any innocent) I shall herein refer to him as Hot Dude.

The celibacy thing came up early in the conversation because, let’s be honest, it’s interesting to talk about. Hot Dude found this admirable. Hot Dude claimed he was kind of in a similar place. I’m not sure what else Hot Dude said because I was too busy fantasizing about doing dirty things to him to fully pay attention.

Unfortunately, it soon appeared that Hot Dude was less interested in me, and more interested in the Allie’s Chastity Challenge. By the time we got to Stone Lotus for a nightcap, he was nonchalantly rubbing against me. Shots were taken. Flirting transpired. And then we started to dance.

My mother once told me that dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he dances, unless he’s Jewish, then all bets are off (no offense, Dad.) Needless to say, since God seems to have a sense of humor these days, Hot Dude could move quite well. In fact, he moved too well. I can’t remember the last time I was that turned on.

But at some point while he was grinding behind me I felt – ahem – that I had his full attention. And that’s when I knew it was time to get the hell out of Dodge before I did something stupid. Wild horses have nothing on the willpower this required as I dragged myself away and returned home alone. There I sought solace in pizza and Advil in an attempt to stave off the impending hangover that would surely afflict me.

However, when I woke up on Saturday, I actually felt quite good. I felt like throwing up, of course, but I didn’t also feel guilty and that’s generally a hallmark of my hangovers. Perhaps I might be onto something here. Granted, that’s the first and only night I’ve battled temptation. And something tells me now that I’m not looking for anything, guys like Hot Dude will be crawling out of the woodwork just to test me. Yeah God, I get it. This isn’t supposed to be easy. But to make it easier I have a new rule. I can only dance with ugly dudes that I’m not at all attracted to. Amen.

xo