Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Ex-Files

Yesterday, I wrote about one of my ex-boyfriends. Now I would like to talk about the rest of them. This time in my life, and this blog, are about working through my past and (hopefully) learning from it. So I’m going to give you the rundown on the relationships that have had an effect on my life over the years. I’d also like to take a moment to figure out what each one has taught me. We will do this chronologically:

1. The Jock - 1996
I met The Jock in junior high but we didn’t date until our sophomore year of high school. Because that was still so early in my sexually-active history, we barely hooked up. He still gives me shit about that. If only he’d waited a few more years, he could have enjoyed my legendary oral abilities. But alas, he had to settle for some backseat make-out sessions and a life-long friendship.

Lesson Learned: It’s possible to be friends with your exes, but it’s a Hell of a lot easier to do that if you’ve never slept with them.

2. The Butterball - 1997
I met The Butterball shortly after my transformation from a quiet, brunette, brace-faced wallflower into a blonde, busty, outspoken cheerleader. He was the first football player I dated and I credit him with jumpstarting my chubby-chasing career. I like a little extra cushion for the pushing on my guys, if you know what I mean. I can’t explain it, but I really think it goes back to The Butterball. After him, I only dated offensive lineman. In fact, I dated most of my high school’s O-Line. But my relationship with him was the most significant because his social status, and the fact that he went after me, greatly increased my confidence and helped me shed the last of my wallflower ways.

Lesson Learned: No matter how skinny, or in shape, I may be, I always look smaller next to a large man. So when one takes me out to dinner, I can order dessert without remorse. Sweet! Hey, fat guys need loving, too.

3. Axl Rose - 1997
Axl was another football player and a very, very sweet guy. Our relationship was sort of situational. We were friends with the same people and hung out so much that one day he just turned into my boyfriend. Eventually, and unfortunately, I lost interest in him and went on to date a couple more of his teammates. When I did, he typed up all of the lyrics to “November Rain” and mailed them to me. I will never, ever forget that.

Lesson Learned: Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change. It’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain.

4. Skater Boy - 1998
As I mentioned last month, Skater Boy was responsible for the loss of my virginity. It was a very sweet story that still makes me smile. He actually read the post about it and sent me an e-mail saying he enjoyed the trip down memory lane. He even pointed out some of the details I had omitted. I explained to him that not everything has to go on the Internet, and some things are best left between us. He agreed. Sigh. Part of me will always love Skater Boy.

Lesson Learned: The age-old adage is true. You’ll always remember your first. And if you’re lucky, they’ll remember you, too.

5. The Teacher - 1999
I met The Teacher when I was a senior in high school. I don’t call him that because he’s actually an educator, but rather he taught me everything I know about serious, long-term relationships. When we met, he was the closest thing I’d ever had to a soul mate. He could make me laugh until I cried, and cry until I laughed. We were together during my first two years of college, so he really helped me grow up. Unfortunately, since I was so young and still finding myself at the time, I never appreciated what I had and I lost him. Today he’s happily married with a baby…and I’ve got a sex blog.

Lesson Learned: I could have been the girl that he married, but I’m not. And if everything happens for a reason, the reason we’re not together is that if I had settled down with him, I never would have reached this necessary period of reflection. So while The Celibacy Project has its trying moments, I think I really am meant to be here, doing this, right now. I owe that to myself and, in a way, to him.

6. The Repeat Offender - 2001, 2002 & 2003
Please see yesterday’s post.

Lesson Learned: If it’s meant to be, it will be. But if it’s not, there should be some sort of Statute of Limitations on lunch dates, because man, those can get awkward and old after a while.

7. The Meat Head - 2001
The Meat Head was yet another guy in my dating history that was cute and sweet, but not much else. Still, it was relationships like ours, which lasted eight months, that kept me off the market and out of trouble. At least for a little while.

Lesson Learned: When I broke up with TMH, that should have been the last relationship I stayed in just to pass the time. Looking back, it was really only the beginning of that detrimental habit. So that’s a lesson I’m still in the middle of learning.

8. The Addict - 2002
When I met The Addict, I fell in love with him almost instantly. He had an alcohol addiction, a substance-abuse problem, and was well on his way to rock bottom. But he could write well, perhaps better than I can. That is my biggest weakness. So despite his self-destructive behavior, I did everything I could to make it work. Eventually, his ability to disappear for days at a time and then show up like nothing happened just got to be too much for me. I haven’t spoken to him since. But sometimes, I still wonder about him, and I hope he got his shit together, because he was brilliant.

Lesson Learned: You can love someone very, very much, but the relationship will never amount to anything unless they can love themselves, too.

9. The Pilot - 2003
When I lived in Arizona, I dated an Air Force Pilot from Texas. We obviously came from different backgrounds, and had very different political views, but the fact that he could fly a plane and drop bombs turned me on despite my liberal anti-war stance. We had to break up when he was deployed to Korea, and I suppose it was for the best. I’ve seen that show “Army Wives” a couple of times and that could not be my life.

Lesson Learned: It actually is possible for me to date a Republican without wanting to convert or kill him.

10. The Ex - 2003
When I met The Ex, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. After three years of having it, I found out that I was wrong.

Lesson Learned: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But if it was never working in the first place, cut your losses and get a new one.

11. The One That Broke My Heart - 2007
I’m still not ready to talk about him yet. We’ll get there, I promise.

Lesson Learned: I’m working on it.

12. Poor Bastard - 2008
What can I say about PB that I haven’t already said here? I think that I used him as a rebound, but he’s such a sweet, good person, he should never be used as anything. He really did help me get to this point, and now that I’m finally in a good place, I am forever indebted to him for that. As much as I would personally like to be happy and in love someday, I hope that happens for him, too. He deserves it just as much, if not more, than I do.

Lesson Learned: No person, and no relationship, can ever replace the effects of spending time alone and figuring out who you are.

Wow. That was actually kind of interesting. This is the first time I’ve really looked at the entire timeline in relation to where I’m at now. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll list all of the guys I’ve hooked up with and figure out what, if anything, those situations have taught me.

On second thought…I’m not sure if even cyberspace is big enough for that list.

xo

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