Mind Fucker Strikes Again

I hadn’t communicated with MF in a few weeks when he sent me an e-mail
yesterday. Since I assume he has realized by now that anything he says can and will be blogged about, I’ll reprint it here:

“Are you worried at all that you will struggle with the fact that a big part of your identity is theoretically gone in two weeks? I mean before the “project” you identified with being the wild sex chick and during the project you are the wild sex chick in remission. What will you be after? Not saying the new identity for you is bad – in fact you have more than enough going for you where I think the new non-slut, non-recovering slut identity will be great. That said, just something to think about that theoretically, you will be losing a huge and pronounced part of your persona very soon. Enjoy Florida.”

Hmrph.

As usual, he makes a good point, and one I hadn’t really considered until he mentioned it. I know that a part of the way I see myself has been historically steeped in my overtly sexual nature. I’d like to think that I value other things about myself just as much, if not more, but the truth is I’m never going to get away from my past. At best, I can hope to embrace it. At worst, I can at least accept it. But either way, you can take the girl out of bed but you can’t take the bed out of the girl. Or can you?

Like I’ve said, I think this experience has changed me. I won’t know that for sure until I’ve resisted temptation when I’m no longer accountable to the masses. But does a change in my actions necessarily indicate an overhaul in my psyche? I don’t know. I suppose time will tell.

What I do know is that when I’m done with the project, I’m going to like myself more than I did when I started. I’ve never been ashamed of what I’ve done, minus that one thing I regret. But I’ve also derived too much of my self-worth from the attention of others. That has certainly changed. It had to change. What else is going to change?

Stay tuned.

xo