Happily Never After

My friend MC always comes through in the clutch. Just when I’m ready to beat my head against a wall because I don’t know what to write about, he e-mails me yet another article about sex. Yesterday it was one about married couples doing it every day. True story.

Two couples, who didn’t know each other and live on opposite sides of the country, both decided to have sex every night for a predetermined period of time and then write a book about it. The Mullers did it for a year, while the Browns did it for 101 days. According to a 2004 study, the average married couple does it just 66 times a year.

That’s it. I’m never getting married.

To be honest, a lifetime of monogamy scares the crap out of me. Clearly, I have ADD when it comes to men. I like variety. But I don’t want to be a swinger. So if I do get married you can be damn sure the guy I’m settling down with knows The Kama Sutra and could teach a class on cunnilingus. If I have to have sex with the same person every day, it better be great fucking sex.

I just can’t imagine not having sex. Well, besides this little three-month adventure.

If you’ve been following my shit show since day one of The Celibacy Project, then you were probably on the original e-mail I sent to 100 of my nearest and dearest in which I declared my intent. I got a lot of interesting replies to that, but one from my friend JT made me laugh out loud. She’s been with her husband for several years now, and she wrote back “if you wanted to stop having sex, you could have gotten married like I did.” I’m sure she’s exaggerating. At least, I hope she is. Because if she’s not then I don’t understand why anyone would commit themselves to a lifetime of never getting laid. I understand that married sex can get boring, but that’s all the more reason to start busting out bullwhips and sex swings. At least, that’s what I would do. Note To Self: perhaps it’s time to retire the handcuffs until I really need them to get off.

According to the article, both of the couples concluded their experiments had a positive effect on their marriage. How could it not? I think the physical connection is one of the most important parts of a relationship. When that goes, the end is generally near. And until I think that’s something that I can maintain, and I know I’ve found a penis I’m willing to please for the rest of my life, I’m not even going to think about getting married. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t I’ll be sure to start another blog about how much sex I’m having that all of you can read when you get married. Suckers.

My friend’s shrink put it this way, which I think sums it up rather nicely “to have a successful relationship, a couple needs to be connected at the head, the heart, and the pelvis.” Word.

xo