Facebook And Forgiveness

I have stated here, almost ad nauseum, that I do not regret the things I’ve done in my past. There are two reasons for this. First, every action I’ve taken was the result of a conscientious (if not alcohol-impaired) decision I made in the moment and I stand behind whatever it is I wanted to do at that time. Secondly, if I started regretting the things that conventional wisdom says I should, then I wouldn’t have time to do anything else with my life. I’d be sitting around bemoaning my sexual history, rather than embracing it, and that’s just not my style. Plus, I’ve got far more important things to do, like hang out with Playboy Bunnies and write about not getting laid. Shit like that.

However, with all of that being said…there is one thing I regret. I am now going to tell you my version of that story. If the boy involved doesn’t like it or disagrees, then he can start his own damn blog.

When I was in college, during the second semester of my first senior year (yeah, I had two of them) I was out rather late one night. I was on a cigarette run with a friend of mine, and while waiting in line at the gas station, I saw a well-known guy all over a girl that was definitely not his girlfriend. We'll call him The Cheater. Admittedly, looking back, I could have (and should have) kept that information to myself since it was really none of my business. But it was college and since everybody loved to talk about me, I figured I’d talk about someone else for a change. Thus, I told my three roommates what I had witnessed. Two of them happened to be dating guys in the same fraternity as The Cheater. So it took about five minutes for that story to get around, with my name firmly attached to it.

The following week, I hooked up with The Cheater’s best friend. Let’s call him The Mistake. He was a shady little character to begin with and the next morning, I did not feel good about myself. I felt much worse when a few days later, he told everyone we knew some very bad, and very untrue, things about me. We’re talking disgusting things that I can’t bring myself to repeat. Use your imagination, keeping in mind that Karma’s a bitch.

This happened to take place right before graduation. Thus, that was the last thing everybody heard about me before leaving Champaign. At least that’s what I’d convinced myself of. In reality, a lot of people probably didn’t give a shit. But a year later when I finally got my own diploma, and my best friends tried to convince me that nobody remembered or cared, I still remembered and cared…and that’s all that mattered to me. That’s one of the reasons why I relocated to Arizona after I graduated instead of moving back to the city like everyone else. Wow, I can’t believe I’m admitting that. But I can actually feel the catharsis setting in.

After that happened, and pretty much to this day, I have hated The Mistake more than I’ve ever hated anyone or anything in my life. I gave him my body, and he turned around and used it against me, putting the final nail in my reputation’s coffin. I truly believe he did it to get back at me for what I did to his friend. I was humiliated, but not just because of what I thought others might be thinking about me. I lost respect for myself when that happened.

So sleeping with him is the one regret I’ve never been able to get over.

Now the reason I’m telling you this is not just because I enjoy using this blog to clear my conscience. I’m telling you this because that boy added me as a friend on Facebook over the weekend. I almost died when I got the request. But I stopped myself from gleefully clicking on “deny.” Here’s what I decided…

This time in my life is about coming to terms with where I’ve been and what I’ve done. If I am able to forgive myself for doing things that others have found questionable, then why not forgive him for what he did to me? We were young, we were immature, and clearly he’s over it. So I should be, too. Life is too short to have regrets. If I’m going to move forward, I have to move on. I accepted his request this morning.

So I forgive him. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, right? Of course, now that we’re Facebook friends, if I find out he’s still telling that story, I will kick him square in his stones.

xo