I Wrote This Last Night

So I’m in Florida, behaving myself, sitting in a hotel room. Alone.

Is this really what normal people do on business trips? This sucks. I mean, seriously, I am so bored. Ordinarily I’d be out with one of my local boys, having dinner and hitting up the bar scene. I’d return to my room in the wee hours for debauchery and then crawl out of bed the next day with a wicked hangover.

Instead I am currently debating whether or not I can get away with expensing pay-per-view porn.

Back when I was in a relationship, I suppose my trips were a little like this. But the loneliness takes on a whole new meaning when there’s nobody waiting for me to fly home. And now I’ve got two more nights of this to look forward to, followed by two more next week in New York. Who am I and what have I done with Allie? Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong, the long-distance loving I used to enjoy was just as hollow and meaningless as any of my other encounters. But they also served a purpose - they passed the time. Because time flies when you’re having sex.

Being celibate is a constant study in learning to be by myself. After work, I even had dinner alone. I’m not the kind of person that minds the solitude. I’m an only child. But there’s a difference between being alone because I choose to be and being alone because I have to be. Granted, I made the choice from the onset…it’s just some days it’s harder to remind myself of that than others. I guess today is one of those days.

With only two weeks left, it’s impossible for me to consider breaking down at this point. But I’m also afraid that when it’s all over with, I’m going to want to be in a relationship again just to avoid this feeling. This morning, I posted about how this experience has changed me. And sexually, it has. Emotionally, I’m not quite sure what it’s done yet. I know that I am not, nor should I be, looking for a boyfriend right now. I also know that when The Celibacy Project ends, Single Allie needs to take over for a while. I need to see that she’s improved before I’m convinced that Relationship Allie won’t make the same mistakes when we invite her back again.

So here is the current and complete list celibacy symptoms: loneliness, horniness, boredom and multiple personality disorder. Wonderful.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be watching porn. I think I can code it as “entertainment” on my expense report.

xo